My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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