so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
