They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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