i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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