he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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