There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
