I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
