Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
