I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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