He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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