my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
