My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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