I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
