I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
