An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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