Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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