If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
