Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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