apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
