I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
