i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
