I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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