On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
