Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
