So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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