DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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