fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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