My room smells like vodka and shame
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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