Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
where are you?
Hypothermia
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
