dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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