My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got inside last night via doggy door
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
