the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
