after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
