he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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