Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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