so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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