if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
