i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
