Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
