I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
