I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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