I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
