what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize
