you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
