Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
