Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
