I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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