Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
