I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
