He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
