Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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